Home / Security & Trust
Security & InsuranceTrust is the hardest thing to earn in this business — right after a hero's respect, which we've frankly given up on. Here's how we keep your assets, your identity and your plans safe from everyone who isn't you.
Our primary vault sits beneath the offshore financial district, guarded by trained laser-sharks and a door that has never been opened by force.
Every ledger entry is triple-encrypted, split across regions, and readable only by a quorum of officers who have never met each other.
Your account can exist under an alias known only to you. Even our tellers work from codenames and rotating desks.
Our systems fail over automatically between buried, submerged and orbital data centers. So does this website, in its own modest way.
Yes, up to $250,000 per secret identity. Deposits at Bank of Evil are insured by the Fully Depository Insurance Collective (FDIC*). The Collective is a consortium of participating evil institutions, funded by member premiums and stored in the same vault the sharks are paid from. It has never failed. It has come close twice, both times during ambitious weather-machine schemes.
Coverage applies per depositor, per ownership category, per alias. If you operate under nine secret identities, you may be insured nine times. We recommend it. We will not ask which one is real, because we genuinely don't know.
Insured amounts refer to balances in gold-equivalent at the vault's own exchange rate, which is also something we set. It's a very stable rate, as these things go.
Whether you're replacing a henchman or rebuilding a lair, we have a policy for it.
| Policy | Covers | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Lair Property | Fire, flood, lava, freeze, collapse | Ocean & lunar available |
| Laser Shark Liability | Shark escapes and marine incidents | Excludes intentional showcasing |
| Henchman Life & Hazard | Injury, hazard pay, funeral | Group rates for 500+ |
| Doomsday Device | Explosion, malfunction, hero damage | Excludes world-freezing models |
| Plot Interruption | Lost revenue when a hero interferes | Waiting period: 1 monologue |
| Reputation & Defamation | False hero claims, editorial damage | We have lawyers. Terrifying ones. |
Even in this line of work, there are lines. Bank of Evil does not finance, insure or otherwise support: the freezing of the entire world (our actuary's words: "are you serious"), anything involving cats in bags, or schemes that harm the families or livelihoods of ordinary non-combatants. There are plenty of villains without a moral compass. We've simply found they're bad for business, and worse for repeat custom.
*Fully Depository Insurance Collective is a fictional stand-in created for this demo. The acronym is doing a lot of heavy lifting and we're aware of it.