Frequently Asked Questions

You can open an account under an alias, which is different, and which we support fully. Bring identification for your alias, keep your true identity to yourself, and let our Alias & Records Officer take it from there. We will never ask which one is real. We will very occasionally wonder.

Yes — up to $250,000 per secret identity, per ownership category, via the Fully Depository Insurance Collective. Operate under nine aliases and you may be insured nine times over. We recommend it. See our Security & Trust page for the delightful details.

We do. Gold bullion, cut and uncut diamonds, and bearer bonds are all accepted at any full-service branch. In-vault gold storage is available for 0.40% per year, insured. Loose gemstones require appraisal, which we can arrange same-day, usually by someone with a loupe and no further questions.

First, congratulations on surviving. Second, call us. Lair Property insurance covers fire, flood, lava, freeze and collapse; payment holidays are available on any loans tied to the property while it's rebuilt. We have financed 8,412 lairs; roughly a quarter of them have been destroyed by heroes. We factor this into the rate. We also factor it into our sympathy.

Almost certainly. World Domination Loans start at 6.66% APR with 48-hour approval for projects under $2 billion. We require collateral — lairs, death rays, and patents on improbable technology all qualify. We do not require, and actively discourage, the phrase "and then I will show them all."

We get this one weekly. Freezing the entire world destroys infrastructure, supply chains and, crucially, our other borrowers' assets, including several lairs we hold security interests in. Our chief risk officer has run the model. It is bad. Please pick a different plan. We have literally dozens.

Applicants with an active hero record are declined as a matter of policy. You'll want the Credit Union of Justice, across town. They offer great rates on saving puppies and being insufferably good. We hear they're lovely. We hear it constantly.

Both. Leasing is popular because technology advances quickly — what's a terrifying superweapon today is a museum curiosity in five years. Our Doomsday Device Lease includes maintenance, a menacing hum, and an annual safety inspection. Speaking of which: yes, you do have to install the off switch. No exceptions. We check.

That is exactly what our Hero-Interference Deferral is for. Payments on plot loans may be deferred while you deal with the situation, and Plot Interruption insurance covers lost revenue. The waiting period is one monologue, which is honestly generous given how long monologues run around here.

Yes. Feeding sessions are at 08:00 and 16:00, sharp. Visitors are welcome to observe from behind the reinforced glass. Visitors are not welcome to observe from inside the reinforced glass. We cannot stress this enough.

Unfortunately no. Our marine insurance does not extend to client-owned sharks, and there were — let's call them "incidents" — that we have all agreed not to discuss. You may, however, apply for a personal shark custody account at the Deepwater branch, where our keepers will look after it properly and judge you silently for how it was raised.

It is entirely a joke. We thought it was funny in 2008. We still think it's funny. The lawyers asked us to add this sentence, and we have, and we resent it.

Tradition, mostly. Our founders believed an evil bank should have a sign you could spot from a moon. They were right. Both the sign and the facade have been unchanged since 1933, and we intend to keep it that way, largely because nobody can agree on a different font.

Yes. The Bank of Evil app performs every function of the branch, except the shark fountain, for which there is no substitute. It uses face recognition, which conveniently also doubles as minion attendance tracking if you point it at the right doorway.

Legally, no. Practically, our Minion Charge Card classifies bananas as a legitimate business expense, which we consider a reasonable compromise. Payroll must still clear in an actual currency. The minions can spend their wages on bananas immediately, as is their right.

Our Evil Uplink widget pings the server continuously. If the server stops responding, the page refreshes itself so your browser shows a proper "site cannot be reached" message, instead of a stale page pretending everything is fine. We believe in honesty, mainly because lying about a dead server has never once worked out for anyone.

Call 1-800-EVIL-BNK, use the form on our Contact page, or visit the branch with the gold sign. Excluding full moons, because the henchmen union won that one and honestly, fair enough.